February 18, 2013

So there is this girl I know. Everything she creates is beautiful and perfect and she lives a life where she has to receive a continuos flow of recognition and love and admiration from the people that surround her.  Her personal life is rather a mess and mostly full of superficial people. These people are constantly giving her praise in this kind of amazing to watch god like idolizing way.  It's almost as if they all have a gold spray painted figurine of her placed so perfectly in the center of their favorite rooms with decorations and candles light like an alter to the odes of her perfection.  

It isn't as though I despise her.  Maybe she is most of the women I have met in my life. Maybe she is even most people I have met in my live.  It always seems to produce this awkward self hatred of myself though.  And just recently I realized maybe it's because it's everything I find exhausting about people in general. This general ideal of perfection and reaching and grasping so desperately for things.  Always striving for that recognition.  I think in the most sincere and honest way that I hate that.

I hate this idea that life is just trying to be the best and always having to be recognized.

In response to these feelings I realized how much I like myself.  Quite possibly for the first time in a very long while.

I am a particularly honest person.  I have no honest to goodness skill set.  I find most things to be exhausted and uninteresting.  I find people to be trying to hard and lacking.  I don't like confrontation so much that I lack the ability communicate almost all things.  I spend a great deal of time sleeping or wasting moments in a weird haze. I am indecisive to a point that it pains people to ask me simple questions.  Every day life is really hard for me.

But I am also so proud of these things.  I like that I am honest.  I am not the type of person to be fake and to attempt perfection.  I hold the people I love to unachievable standars.  Standards which I don't apply to myself even.  When I love I love with everything I have.  I don't communicate well or often but when I do I don't communicate because I desire a reaction or am striving for attention, I communicate because I feel something profound and meaningful, something big that should be shared.  I find most people to be lacking because the world teaches us so often to be selfish and achieve even when it means you ruin so much in the people that surround you.  For this I have such little patience.  I may not have friends in abundance or talent that comes flowing from me.  But I do have all the things that most people frown upon.

I like that the few relationships I have are pure and honest.  I enjoy the fact that I can't decide where I want to eat or the shoes I should by.  I don't mind that I am not so great at speaking of serious issues as the drop of a hat.  I like that I am introspective and introverted.  I like my lack of self esteem and self efficacy.  I like these things because it allows me to appreciate all the good stuff that everyone takes for granted so much more.  I am proud that I have zero fake relationships.  I may be on the receiving end of many relationships in which I am less than truly appreciated but I truly enjoy and love the fact that I am not on the giving end of this cycle.

I'm tired of hearing all the biggest parts of me are unwanted.  I am exhausted of being told that I am immature and cold.  Because I feel for the first time that I am none of those things.  I feel that maybe it isn't me at all anymore.

I think it's so many of you.
(you being a number of people I love but miss)

I may struggle a great deal with everything that comes so naturally and easily to the rest of the world. But for all that they lack I have in abundance.

I do not surround myself with people that will get me places.  I do not surround myself with people who will praise me and love me because I am skilled.

And it's not so much that they do this either.  But they don't surround themselves with people because they love them, they surround themselves with people because those people love them.

So I am going to be proud of myself tonight.  Proud of all my flaws because in a fleeting moment I feel like maybe I am the bigger person.  I may not have much to offer but I am genuine and I feel I can't say that about most people in my life, most people anywhere.

I may be a genuine mess.
I may be genuinely difficult.
But I at last I am exactly that.
At least I am genuine.

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